Number Please

Let's all face it, we're all connected. Hard wire, cell, Internet, blackberry, blueberry, raspberry, grapefruit etc. Look around, somewhere someone is talking, texting (I don't really understand this one. Why take the time to type it out if you're not sending a letter?), playing games, taking photos, some how some way trying to communicate to someone else. I remember a time, and it wasn't all that long ago, that the phone didn't ring for days. You picked up the receiver and it had some heft to it. More like a small barbell. Not this lightweight plastic crap that's molded in some far off locale (stamped with Hecho en Chine). Can't even say Made in China.

I spend more time on the phone than I want to admit or would like to. Having to call some vendor, agency or customer more times than not gets my stomach churning. Like tonight for example. Channel 3 disappeared from our television. I don't watch it too much, actually not very often if any at all. You see channel 3 is actually channel 5 out of New York but it's not the channel 5 I grew up with. Channel 5 used to be WNEW. Now it's some FOX name. There used to be something comforting about those old TV channels, 5, 9, and 11. They were truly New York. Simple, low budget entertainment. Back to the subject at hand.

I called the cable company. Your call is important to us and it may be monitored for quality assurance training purposes. Yea, right! First off, if our call was so darn important they would have some English speaking life form answer. Instead please listen to the following menu selections. Then some quick one liner about if you don't understand uncle cracker and refuse to conform and assimilate into the American culture you can take the rest of the call in some foreign tongue.

The real reason they tell you that are going to tape the call is so they can use it in evidence at your trial when you show up at their door and blow them away. They want to show the stress levels in your voice and how you are going to eat them for breakfast, without letting the jury know they forced you into a corner and made you snap.

Once you get past the pleasantries they ask you to input your phone number including area code. This is sharp! Ever wonder how you wind up on some telemarketers list? Here's how, you sign up yourself. (Try this one on for size, enter some obscure number next time, you know like the local VD clinic or Homeless shelter). Once you've finished giving up your number you're directed to another phone tree. More choices! I never knew how many combinations and choices we have in life. No wonder we can't make decisions anymore. Too many variables.

Finally, after just pushing indiscriminate buttons you get again, more choices! And more choices! Finally you give up muttering some thing about defacing the grave of Alexander Graham Bell or you get a selection of Moo-sack combined with "your call is important to us", or "all of our customer service representatives are busy assisting other customers and they'll be with you momentarily." These are all ways for the place you're calling to cover the time that it takes long distance connections to some hut in rice paddy town in a hot sub contenant to connect.

Then, after about ten or fifteen minutes (more like hours) you finally get someone. He says's his name is Bob, but you know from his accent he rode his elephant (you know the one with the little house on it) to work tonight. You start to explain what the problem is and why you're calling and the first thing he asks is for you to give him your telephone number! Starting with area code! You see they really do this because they can and that first time you entered the number did nothing!

Now the guy starts asking you questions and I never can understand what the heck they're saying. Maybe it's the fact they're sitting there eating grasshoppers, rice and curry wrapped in fried dog ears. I then start fighting fire with fire. I interject my slow Texas drawl. I say, ya know, pardner, I'm kinda get'n the feeling ya ain't from around these here parts now are ya? It's now becoming a game. They start talking slower and try to enunciate their words. You know just like the teacher does in ESL (English Second Language) classes do.

I got one of these guys so fed up he actually hung up on me! Score one for our side! It really doesn't matter though, when it's all said and done a repair order taken down the block, across town or halfway around the world still gets lost and they show up two or three hours late anyway.

But just think about it next time, if we can get enough people to all talk to these "Customer Service Representatives" in a John Wayne voice maybe they'll get the hint.

So when it's all said and done you hang up and hope for the best.